Today's the day I've been anxiously awaiting and fearfully dreading for 7 months. Exactly 222 days ago Ben and I tearfully sat in the NICU as a pediatric cardiologist informed us of Reese's congenital heart defect and the need for open heart surgery. It's funny how your mind works under periods of immense stress. Instead of focusing on words like "atrioventricular canal" and "congestive heart failure", I was making a mental note of our cardiologist's socks. They were covered in hearts, itty bitty multicolored hearts. How appropriate, I thought, a heart doctor wearing heart socks. Everyone has their own way of coping & apparently mine is to analyze the clothing choices of professionals delivering unwanted news. To each his own.
Over the past 222 days, a day hasn't passed when a sentence didn't begin with "After the surgery" or "When Reese gets her heart fixed". To say we've been living in a perpetual state of limbo is an understatement. Today we handed our precious girl over to a bunch of strangers, albeit highly educated & skilled strangers, but strangers nonetheless. Those strangers have been down this road hundreds of times, taken hundreds of kids from the arms of terrified parents and made promises of a joyful reunion on the other side. I couldn't help but think about the times those promises were broken, when the reunion wasn't joyful, when there was no reunion at all. The mere thought causes me physical pain and I immediately forced myself to go to a happier place. A place where Reese isn't struggling to breathe, a place where the simple act of eating is no longer comparable to running a marathon, a place where we can play & roughhouse without worrying about the stress on her tiny, fractured heart.
The wait isn't over. I am sitting here watching "American Guns" and doing anything to keep my mind occupied so I don't dwell on the reality of the situation. The reality is my daughter is laying on an operating table surrounded by masked faces and metal instruments. Her heart has been stopped intentionally so delicate repairs can be made. I am overwhelmed when I picture this scenario so I will get back to playing WWF and Scramble. I will continue to pray for Dr. Obrien's hands to perform miracles and I will continue to be thankful for all of you who are lifting our girl up in your thoughts. Soon she will be heartbroken no more.
No comments:
Post a Comment